Anxiety And Me

Anxiety and me. 

This post is a little bit of a weird one for me. There is something that I have been battling with for such a long time now that I feel is necessary to finally share. I'm getting tired of wearing a fake smile. This is my story of anxiety.  

My earliest memories as a little girl would be going to a local pre-school that my grandma helped run. My mum would drop me off, and every morning I would cry and have to be dragged inside. At such a young age I was classed as 'difficult' or 'clingy'. I was the child in the group that was seen as 'needy'. Two years later and I started infants school. This time it was worse. I would hide my uniform and I would cry so much every morning that I would make myself feel physically sick. It even got to a point where my school teachers were told that they had to lock the classroom door after I entered so I couldn't get out and escape. Again I was seen as the 'difficult' child. The child who always wanted their own way. I was seen as stubborn. As the school years went on things didn't change. They got easier, but I would still have to be dragged into school every morning. I vividly remember the change from Junior to Senior school. The summer before was a nightmare for my parents. I hid all of my uniform and didn't tell them where I had put it. I threw away letters about starting and I cried almost every day begging not to go. I simply hated school. It wasn't because I was stupid, I got good grades! But there was something about going into the school building that became such a terrifying thing for me. 

I went through a tough time in year 7. I had a best friend, lets call her 'Jane', who I was really close to. We used to do everything together and I thought that we were going to be longterm childhood friends. This was until we both went our separate ways for senior school. For a couple of months we still stayed in contact but as time went on we drifted apart. We had arranged to meet up one day and I was really excited to see her. On the day we were meeting up, I got a call from 'Jane' that she had to cancel. I was of course upset, but I understood. This was the start of the end. Our messages got shorter, and 'Jane' got ruder. She turned mean overnight and she became somebody that I didn't know. We went through a phase of getting prank calls to the house phone waking everybody up at 3am in the morning of screaming and calling my name. It was 'Jane'. Except I wasn't allowed to tell anybody this as I was told things would happen if I did. I felt betrayed that somebody who I was so close to, would do that to me. I guess this is where my trust issues with friends started too. I have never told my parents the real story behind 'Jane' and I hope I never have to. Except she still haunts everything I do. I live in a very small town in Essex. (Yes Towie Town). I stopped going up to Brentwood with my mum on a Saturday as I was afraid that I would bump into her. I still have these fears as a 21 year old! I feel like this is where my social anxiety really began.

I can remember my first ever panic attack I had too. I was sat in the middle of the hall for a year 8 science exam. I remember feeling light headed and sick but feeling too afraid to put my hand up to ask to be excused. It took one of the examiners who had noticed the change of colour on my face to tap me on the shoulder and show me outside where I pretty much had a mental breakdown. I never sat an exam in an exam hall again. In a way this breakdown did me a favour. It allowed me to be put into a smaller classroom for exams with a few other students where I felt calm and able to focus on what I needed to do. I don't think I would have come out of school with the GCSE's and A-levels I did if I didn't do my exams this way.

Looking back there were lots of signs that added up to anxiety, but nobody in my life ever really understood it. As I got older the more difficult things became. I almost wish that I was back kicking and screaming at being left at pre-school! I feel like all of my friends have grown up around me and I am like a parent waving them off for a night out. I can't tell you how many times I 'wasn't allowed' to go somewhere without even asking my mum and dad. I started not being invited to things as my friends knew that there was no point. It was around the year of 16th's and 18th's that this really happened. I would login to Facebook and see so many pictures of people on their nights out but I never felt like I was really missing out. I wanted to go out with my friends and socialise but in the back of my mind I felt safer at home. 

Last month was my 21st Birthday. At 21 years old I had imagined my life to be completely different. I thought I would have a massive group of friends around me but this is certainly not the case. I have never felt so alone and so not like me. Everyday is a battle. I can wake up one day feeling ready to go but the next feeling like all I want to do is stay in my bedroom watching youtube videos. If i'm being honest I don't think my family truly understand how hard it is for me to even leave the house sometimes. They joke about me being a prude for not drinking, and judge me for not 'going out to pubs like normal girls my age do'. I think that's what is tough, not reaching the expectations of my parents. But I know that deep down they feel sorry for me and partly that is what makes me feel worse. 

In a way, I hope this post helps explain a little insight into what it is like living with anxiety. We're not being 'difficult' if we don't feel comfortable leaving the house. We're not being 'clingy' if we feel safer going somewhere with someone else than going alone. And we're not being 'needy', we just sometimes need a little extra love! But anxiety is an everyday mental illness. Although it is not something that you can visibly see, it is very active for many people. I just hope this post helps just one person feel like they are not alone. I wish as a young child I knew that there were reasons why I was feeling the way that I was. I wish that I could have told myself that things will be ok, although truthfully I am still telling myself this everyday. If you need to talk, don't be afraid to reach out to me. I will always have a friendly ear. From one sufferer to another. It will get better. 

lots of love,